Blackberry Chronicles: Girls Are Gross

#1. Princess Joy-Kill

Me: Oh shit Disney is looking for Disney Character look alike performers. I can be that one black princess.
HB: Except for the fact that you don't look like her. Or have the personality for a Disney character.
Me: You're a joy kill. I can be super nice and beautiful with the right drugs and makeup.
HB: You mean a killjoy?
Me: Same shit.

#2. Bush at the Beach

Me: I'll shave and shit tonight so tomorrow I can just wake up and go.
HB: I wasn't planning on shaving. It's just you.
Me: I haven't shaved my vagina in three months, it isn't a couple of weeks. My bathing suit will break trying to hold back this jungle of pubes, therefore a trim is in order. I'll leave some stray hairs for you though.
HB: The thought of that made me gag. How do you even find your hole? No wonder Bradley has a sword.
Me: I imagined the scene from Sleeping Beauty where Prince Phillip was cutting through the forest of thorns in order to get to Aurora.

#3. Betrayed By The Brand

HB: We need to see Arthur when it comes out.
Me: Can we get high beforehand?
HB: You want to be high while watching Russell Brand? That feels disrespectful...?
Me: It was disrespectful to me when he married Katy Perry.

#4. Girls Fart

Me: I just farted. It smells like straight up baby poop. It could even pass as an elderly person shitting on themselves.
HB: Your gas should be bottled and slammed on the heads of criminals.

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Flawed

Flawed contraptions and creatures are all that humans are able to create. Which makes me consider the perfection and flawless immortality of God himself, for him being a perfect being still managed to create an imperfect species.

And Then She Said "Worms"

I knew my plight was over the second she mentioned her pet worms. I thought, Fuck, she just mentioned some odd shit to seem semi interesting to people. I can't compete with worms. I mean who the fuck has worms? Worms are probably the dumbest living creature to have as a pet. Ah fuck... I'm second thinking myself now. Worms are actually the easiest pet to have, you just throw them in a bucket of dirt and they'll live forever. Fucking bitch has outwitted me with her talk about worms. I hope some toxic chemical waste lands on her worms and they grow into those huge sand monsters from Beetlejuice and they swallow her skank ass whole. This is irrational thinking, I know, but I am very angry and extremely high.

...Fucking worms!

That's when I saw his hand make it's way to her thigh and I began to ponder my impending horrible existence at work the next day. Every time some guy comes along and manages to kick me in the face, I end up hosting a bathroom crying session at my current job. Do I want to be sniffling while Gloria from "Shoes" is dropping a deuce in the stall next to mine all because she doesn't understand the unspoken rule that clearly states the usage of every other stall? Fuck no.

It took him three-seconds to put an end to our five year relationship. All for a freckled eighteen year old worm breeder who had dirty feet and horse shit for brains. Til this day I still hope their children are born ugly. How ridiculous that a person just by breathing can fuck up another human being beyond repair. This realization slowly seeped into my bones as my drug induced high fled quietly from my body. This whole situation had managed to kill my night.

And so I made my way to the door, not as gracefully as I had hoped to make my pitiful escape but that was just another thing I could drink to once I got to my place. That night I managed to drown my sorrows in some cheap whiskey that tasted like it was brewed in an old shoe that was conveniently lodged inside a homeless man's ass. I awoke the next day to The Descendents "Catalina" on repeat and the sudden urge to regurgitate last night's events. I had survived and learned a valuable lesson: never do drugs with your ex-boyfriend and his latest fuck.

I still pray for sand worms to swallow the bitch whole.

Comatose Teenage Slut

I am holding a pseudo intellectual conversation about how great Sleeping

Beauty's fictional existence was and how mine pales in comparison.

Needn't I remind you that she was in a coma for a significant part of her own story.

Oh. I have reached a new low.

Poor Attempt At An Intro

People travel far and wide to bathe in the wonderful Floridian sun, yet here I am slowly rotting away in it; a twenty-two twenty-three year old college junior, shitty waitress with no direction and still living in her parents house. I've changed my major as many times as Axl Rose has fucked other men's girlfriends, or as many times as Iggy Pop has gotten the clap... either way it's a lot. Here I sit in my roach infested restaurant trying to rearrange the plastic containers I'm meant to fill with sweet and sour sauce. They keep scattering and creating unorganized unions which forces me to contemplate my own life. As much as I try to rearrange and organize, it still remains a fucking mess, much like these little fucking containers. So far I've been in a few seemingly real relationships, all of which involved men whom decided to coincidentally and consecutively take massive shits in my life. Now I find myself in a very awkward affair with an innocent and quite possibly misguided young fellow. He is undamaged goods waiting for me to leave him out to rot as the previous dilweeds have done to me. Did I mention my unrequited love for Asian men aka Yellow Fever? This should all go on my "About Me" section on MySpace. That'll bring all the boys to the yard, fuck the milkshake/sarcasm.

BlackBerry Chronicles: What Girls Talk About

#1 Apocalypse & Betrayal

Me: I had a terrible neo-apocolyptic dream. You were a gang leader and Eddie was your man. Christian got a new girlfriend and forgot I was ever his friend and Tristan reunited with Kelsey and forgot me forever. I went into an outhouse and wept as bombs rained down and zombies attacked. Apocalypse in every sense of the word.

HB: 1. The guys don't care for me so that could never happen. 2. Eddie will never be my man. 3. When was the last time you saw an outhouse?

Me: I was simply telling you my dream. So an outhouse is absolutely impossible but a tempest of bombs coinciding with an onslaught of zombies seems completely plausible? Your logic is astounding.

#2. FAIL.

Me: I still want to hang myself but I can't even afford fucking rope. I am in a sad, sad place.

HB: Extension cords work wonders. If you choose to do so, please delete this convo first.

#3. Edward

Me: So Eddie told me he thought you were slow haha

HB: Me? Fucking slow! I may be stubborn, but I am not slow!! How many times does Eddie not understand what people try to get through to him? Its not even the pot calling the kettle black! Its more like the pot calling the banana black! Stupid mother fucker! I've been nothing but nice to him. I even overlooked it when he told me to grab his ass! And that is not normal!!

#4. Everybody Wants To Be Britney

HB: This bitch just totally walked out of target with her shorts unbuttoned and no shoes on.

Me: Was it Britney Spears?

#5. Juno, you know.

Me: I haven't gotten my period yet. I'm late. I was suppose to get it on Wednesday

HB: Look who's preggo now!!

Me: Yeah but I'm having an immaculate conception. This shit trumps your one night bastard.